Ragam Lawak Budak Sekolah


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Email from: Rizal Posmen

Nak Ambil Gambar


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Pak Pandir baru lepas tangkap gambar di kedai yang berhampiran dengan rumahnya. Sekarang, dia cuma perlu menaiki bas untuk ke Jabatan Imigresen supaya dia dapat
membuat pasport baru untuk dirinya.

Setelah hampir sejam menunggu di perhentian bas, bas pun tiba. Pak Pandir naik dan disebabkan bas itu penuh sesak, Pak Pandir mengambil keputusan untuk berdiri sahaja sambil tangannya memegang gambar yang baru diambilnya di kedai tadi. Tiba-tiba, bas itu brek mengejut. Gambar yang berada di tangan Pak Pandir terlepas lalu jatuh ke bawah tempat duduk penumpang.

Pak Pandir tunduk dan mencari gambarnya yang terjatuh tadi. Apabila dia nampak gambar tadi berada di bawah tempat duduk seorang penumpang, Pak Pandir pun berkata, "Kak...Boleh tolong angkat sikit kain yang akak pakai tu tak? Saya nak ambik gambar..."


Email from: Jejaka Jiwang

How To Save The World?


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It's too easy to save the world. Just type "The World" and click save. Easy right? Haha..



Email from: sman_hai_tiger

Who Says Our English Is Teruk?


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Just see below - Ours is simple, short, concise, straight-to-point, effective etc..

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WHEN GIVING A CUSTOMER BAD NEWS
=============================
Britons : I'm sorry, Sir, but we don't seem to have the sweater you want in your size, but if you give me a moment, I can call the other outlets for you.
Malaysians : No Stock.

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RETURNING A CALL
===============
Britons : Hello, this is John Smith. Did anyone page for me a few moments ago?
Malaysians : Hello, who page?

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ASKING SOMEONE TO MAKE WAY
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Britons : Excuse me, I'd like to get by. Would you please make way?
Malaysians : S-kew me..

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WHEN SOMEONE OFFERS TO PAY
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Britons : Hey, put your wallet away, this drink is on me.
Malaysians : No-need-lah.

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WHEN ASKING FOR PERMISSION
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Britons : Excuse me, but do you think it would be possible for me to enter through this door?
Malaysians : (pointing the door) Can arrr..?

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WHEN ENTERTAINING
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Britons : Please make yourself right at home.
Malaysians : Don't be shy-lah!

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WHEN DOUBTING SOMEONE
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Britons : I don't recall you giving me the money.
Malaysians : Where got?

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WHEN DECLINING AN OFFER
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Britons : I'd prefer not to do that, if you don’t mind.
Malaysians : Don't want-lah..

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IN DISAGREEING ON A TOPIC OF DISCUSSION
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Britons : Err..Tom, I have to stop you there. I understand where you're coming from, but I really have to disagree with what you said about the issue.
Malaysians : You mad, ah?

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WHEN ASKING SOMEONE TO LOWER THEIR VOICE
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Britons : Excuse me, but could you please lower your voice, I'm trying to concentrate over here.
Malaysians : Shut up-lah!

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WHEN ASKING SOMEONE IF HE/SHE KNOWS YOU
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Britons : Excuse me, but I noticed you staring at me for some time..Do I know you?
Malaysians : See what, see what..?

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WHEN ASSESSING A TIGHT SITUATION
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Britons : We seem to be in a bit of a predicament at the moment.
Malaysians : Die-lah..!!

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WHEN TRYING TO FIND OUT WHAT HAD HAPPENED
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Britons : Will someone tell me what has just happened?
Malaysians : Wat happen? Why like that..?

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WHEN SOMEONE DID SOMETHING WRONG
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Britons : This isn't the way to do it here, let me show you.
Malaysians : Like that also don't know how to do! Aiyoo!!

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WHEN ONE IS ANGRY
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Britons : Would you mind not disturbing me?
Malaysians : Celaka U!!!


Email from: Jejaka Jiwang

My Interview With Ultraman


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Recently I met up with my idol Ultraman in Tokyo, Japan, the city he has saved many times over from evil; destructive monsters. We met at an intersection downtown, bought drinks from a vending machine and sat on the kerb for this interview.

Me: Konichiwa, Ultraman-san!

Ultraman: Apa khabar, Visiteur-san!

Me: Wow! Ultraman reti cakap bahasa?

Ultraman: Mestilah, beb! Gua ada ramai peminat di seluruh dunia. Gua kenalah belajar macam-macam bahasa.

Me: Cool! So, what you been up to, dude?

Ultraman: A bit tired. Fought a monster last night in Fukushima prefecture. We fought until we reached the seaside in Hamadori. A lot of people died.

Me: The monster killed so many.

Ultraman: Actually, gua terjatuh and terhimpit diorang.

Me: Er, I see. Banyak lagi ke monster kat dunia ni?

Ultraman: Adalah. Tapi diorang dah malas nak lawan. Dah ada agent and publicist. Merchandising rights. Suma lawan nak dapat market share je. Boringlah, beb!

Me:I see. So camne brader-brader lu? Ultraman Tiga, Ultraman Taro?

Ultraman: They all OK. Tiga dah bersara. Sekarang dia bukak restoran sushi kat Shinjuku. Bini dia baru beranak.

Me: Wow!

Ultraman: Yeah. Bini dia makhluk Bumi. So at first, family gua bantah, sebab we all boleh kahwin ngan orang Planet Ultra je. But thank the Ultra-Gods, my father, Ultraman yang bertanduk tu, finally gave his blessings. Cucu dia tu bertanduk jugak, so happylah dia.

Me: What about Taro?

Ultraman: Taro tengah buat multi-level marketing, jual ubat untuk kuatkan tenaga batin.

Me: Eh, naper Ultraman suma tak nak jadi superhero lagi?

Ultraman: Tulah. Nowadays terlalu ramai superhero. Gabanlah, Power Rangerlah, inilah, itulah. Yang paling teruk si Baja Hitam tulah. Lawan cam pondan tapi marketing power dia kuat. Sebab tu boleh jadi popular. I always say, never trust superhero yang bawak motosikal, superhero yang pakai topeng pelik-pelik. We all Ultramen don’t need all that cosmetic shit.

Me: Wow, marahnya Ultraman.

Ultraman: Siapa tak marah? Bagero! Superhero ciplak ni suma tak originallah. And they all no integrity or morals. Last week, I dengar Gaban kena tangkap ngan gadis bawah umur. You see?

Me: Man, that is sad.

Ultraman: Tulah. That’s why kalau tak Ultra, memang tak worldlah.

Me: Wuhu! Lu peminat Mawi ke?

Ultraman: Adalah sikit-sikit.

Me: So, Ultraman, what's your future plan? You going to give up being a superhero too?

Ultraman: No way. I love my job too much. But my girlfriend complains that I work such long hours. And when I come home at night, I'm always tired and my chest light is always beeping.

Me: Woooo! Sounds like you might need some of that ubat from your brader Taro.

Ultraman: Good idea! I better give him a call tonight.

At this point, Ultraman receives a distress call from Yokohama, where a monster is attacking the train station. So off he went, into the blue yonder, to fight yet another worthy adversary.

World!


Email from: Jejaka Jiwang

Is He My Son??


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Old John married younger woman Mary and had four children. Three were normal and doing usual. But the fourth Pappy was out of way, ugly, naughty and causing anxiety to John that Pappy was really not his son. John was on death bed and he decided to clarify that with Mary.

He asked, "Mary, with your hand on your heart, please tell me Pappy is my son."

Mary with her hand on heart announced, "John, my dear husband, Pappy is your son."

John died happily leaving vast wealth to Mary. Mary crossed her heart and prayed, "Thanks Jesus that he did not ask the same for three other children, and you know I would not have lied."


Email from: sanskriti_patel

Super Duper Computer


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COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT.

ABBOTT : Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO : Thanks. I’m setting up an office in my den and I’m thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT : Mac?

COSTELLO : No, the name’s Lou.

ABBOTT : Your computer?

COSTELLO : I don’t own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT : Mac?

COSTELLO : I told you, my name’s Lou.

ABBOTT : What about Windows?

COSTELLO : Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT : Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO : I don’t know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT : Wallpaper.

COSTELLO : Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT : Software for Windows?

COSTELLO : No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT : Office.

COSTELLO : Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT : I just did.

COSTELLO : You just did what?

ABBOTT : Recommend something.

COSTELLO : You recommended something?

ABBOTT : Yes.

COSTELLO : For my office?

ABBOTT : Yes.

COSTELLO : OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT : Office.

COSTELLO : Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT : I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO : I already have an office with windows! OK, let’s just say I’m sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT : Word.

COSTELLO : What word?

ABBOTT : Word in Office.

COSTELLO : The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT : The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO : Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT : The Word you get when you click the blue ‘W’.

COSTELLO : I’m going to click your blue ‘W’ if you don’t start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT : Money.

COSTELLO : That’s right. What do you have?

ABBOTT : Money.

COSTELLO : I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT : It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO : What’s bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT : Money.

COSTELLO : Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT : Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO : I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT : One copy.

COSTELLO : Isn’t it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT : Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO : They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT : Why not? THEY OWN IT!

( A few days later )

ABBOTT : Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO : How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT : Click on 'START'....


Email from: Jejaka Jiwang

Jaguh Pedang Spanyol, Samurai Jepun Dan Pendekar Silat


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Dalam satu pertandingan senjata tajam dunia, tiga orang peserta berjaya ke peringkat akhir. Jaguh pedang dari Sepanyol, samurai Jepun dan pendekar silat dari Malaysia. Di peringkat akhir, semua peserta dikehendaki menunjukkan kemampuan membunuh seekor lalat dengan menggunakan sebilah pedang.

Kotak lalat dibuka, seekor lalat terbang dengan lincahnya, sang jaguh pedang dari Sepanyol menghunuskan senjata dan mengibasnya dengan pantas. Tubuh lalat itu terpotong dua. Penonton bersorak mengkaguminya. Giliran samurai Jepun menghunuskan senjatanya. Kepantasan samurai Jepun memang tiada tandingan, dengan secepat kilat tubuh lalat kedua terbahagi tiga. Penonton berdiri bertepuk tangan memuji sang samurai.

Kini giliran pendekar silat dari Malaysia. Segera ia menghunus pedangnya, mengibas ke kiri dan ke kanan. Lalat ketiga masih terbang di udara, tetapi ‘penerbangan’nya agak berbeza. Juri dan penonton yang semenjak tadi menahan nafas terpaku dan kehairanan melihatkan lalat tersebut masih utuh dan terbang. Melihat reaksi demikian, sang pendekar segera berkata, "Tuan-tuan jangan salah sangka, lalat tu baru saja saya sunatkan."


Email from: Jejaka Jiwang

Dying Granny..


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A dying granny was talking to her granddaughter:

"I may die any minute so I want you to inherit my farm including the villa, tractor, the farmhouse and all the livestock and $22,389,630.00 cash".

The granddaughter replied: "Wow!!" 'Thanks granny, I didn't know you even had a farm & all this wealth! Where is it??"

Granny says with her last dying breath..."It's on my Facebook".


Email from: faizal afif

Would I Get Into Heaven?


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A Sunday school teacher asked the children in her class, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into Heaven?"

"No!" the children all answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into Heaven?"

Again the answer was "No!"

"Well", she continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"


Email from: shammi.garg22

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